Its all worth it!

Preface:  In the last approximately 2 years of me blogging to you i have stayed away from the "deep" stuff.  I present you the happy, exciting aspects of our life as new parents.  Unfortunately life is not all peaches and cream.  There are "deep" issues.  Sorry to do this to you but its reality... time for my 1st "deep" post!

Raising a baby is no easy task.  What's the saying...."it takes a village to raise a baby"  Well...what do you need for twins... a state or country?? 

There are definitely days Mike and I want to pull our hair out, scream or just cry.  Those days seem more often lately with Mike working so much to make ends meet and me being home alone to raise the babies.  There are many days i loose my cool, i don't "educate" or play with Mikey and Kayla enough, or i cave and its frozen meatballs and pasta for dinner A-G-A-I-N.  I try my best and so does Mike.  We scratch and save every penny we have, we try the best we can to buy on sale and only whats necessary.  When given the choice to buy for the rugrats or ourselves the rugrats always win! But it never seems to be enough. 

Ever feel like you are walking through life with chains around your ankles?? No matter how deep you dig your feet in and try to push along you seem to get nowhere.  That's where we are at!!!

Poor Mike's days off (which are far and few between) are spent researching money issues, housing issues, and whats the best way to save for the kids future.  The morning are no longer spent reading the paper, discussing whats the headlines, discussing the kids and drinking coffee together.  Its spent having deep discussions, a little arguing, and a lot of expression of fears and tears.  But such is life right? 

Despite everything that's been going on... the fighting between Mike and I.... the fear has somehow brought us closer! Its made us a team again! Just like when we first brought the babies home... the fear of being new parents to TWO babies forced us to look to each other on a deeper level.  We are back there again... so there is small blessings in everything.  I know more now than ever as long as Mike and i take things together hand in hand we will be safe!  Its great to look at each other and know that you have the exact same priority (family) and no matter what else happens if we have the 4 of us we will be just fine! 

As usual Mikey isn't sleeping at night ... so most of my nights are spend trying to soothe him from whatever monster scared him, or pain that is hurting him.  On average i will spend 45 min to an hour rocking him every night.  Normally this would drive me insane.  He is 14 months old he should be sleeping!!! But lately i cherish my time holding him on my chest! The warmth a tiny toddler boy can give off is almost that of a spiritual level! He sinks deep into my arms and we will be chest to chest and its like at that very moment our hearts connect.  Its almost as if he is crying b/c he just needs to feel that connection... or God knows i need that connection??

Last week some time Mikey wouldn't go to bed for me.  He laid in his crib screaming.  I was exhausted and desperately just wanted to sit down.  Mike happened to be off and went up stairs in an attempt to soothe Mikey.  I could hear over the monitor it wasn't going well so back up the stairs i went.  When i walked in Mikey about threw himself at me from big Mike's arms.  The second he put his head on my shoulder he melted into me.  Big Mike covered us with a blanket and walked out to give us some peace.  I sat there and i cold feel our hearts connecting.  With in seconds i was crying.... for no reason.  My mind was empty all i could focus on was the love he had for me.  As the tears fell on to the blanket on top of us i thanked God for these little reminders of whats important.  My babies... my husband...my family and friends!  I sat there with Mikey in my arms for about 30 min.  I began to doze off so i gently got up and put him in his crib.  He was so peaceful... and for the 1st time in some time i felt a sense of peace too!

Its these moments... the ones spent looking at my husband and having faith that together we can do anything ... the moments i hold my children on my chest and feel their love that remind me.... these moments remind me....  it's all worth it!